Frrustration

My roommate and a couple friends had seen my outright flares of temper from the October 2009 Cialis-induced vitreous hemorrhage through Spring 2010 when I healed enough to be somewhat functional. In general I maintained composure and superficial acceptance of the new status quo. Many people from friends to acquaintances to doctors were amazed at how well I dealt with it all.
I wish I could say I was a calm, even tempered guy. I’m not. The funky thing is my temper triggers differently than other people’s.
For so long I have wound myself pretty tightly against the fits of bad temper that get triggered by frustrations during periods of low blood sugar. I have developed into someone who handles the big things well. But frustration is my enemy.
The friend who drove me around most during the red blackout period is still amazed at my utter lack of reaction to the car accident with my own vehicle during one of our trips to the grocery store. As a blind passenger in his own vehicle during the accident, I felt no anger during or since. It was an accident. That same friend watched me hurl my cell phone through tempered glass because I was too blind to dial and the voice recognition kept interpreting everything I said as instruction to call a hated tenant. This was a good enough friend ro clean up the broken glass before the blind guy could cut himself on it. Everyone should be so lucky to have such friends.
At bowling, I can get frustrated by bad scores but manage to step back from that without cursing loudly or kicking the ball return. That self control is much harder when the blood sugar is at a relative low. It’s only a game.
Yet someone who, after asked nicely, continues to use powder on his shoes. This is illegal in the sport as it poses slipping hazards to others. The blind guy who relies on the bowling alley as one of the few places he can be sure-footed does not deal with new slipping hazards well. The willful ignorance triggered the blind guy to taking the bottle of baby powder and tossing it into the trash in front of the offending bowler. And when that blind guy is verbally attacked for being so rude by someone who prefers polite self-centered ignorance, this blind guy doesn’t back down.
Blindness is an endless exercise in frustration. I still do a lot with what little sight I have left, but everything takes longer. Everything involves extra steps and increased caution. Some things just aren’t possible, but I learn that only after frustrating myself.
Maybe dealing with blindness is easier for people who were born that way because they don’t know what they’re missing. Or maybe that presumption is sheer ignorance.
I’ve worked hard through life for self sufficiency. The constantly increasing reliance on others is a frustration all to itself.
Getting mad at the stubborn blind fool will only escalate the downward spiral.