There’s been time and distance to most of these blog entries. That’s made a candid telling easier for me. It feels less revealing because it’s old news for me. My brain tends to overthink; this can lead me to talking too much I’ve processed and settled things, even those with ramifications that are still ramming me.
I can be absolutely candid with some friends. Often, however, I find I get candid only about certain things with certain people and hold back other things.
Think of me as Woody Allen: I compartmentalize. If one area gets rough, I can always hop into another box until things calm in the first or I decide it’s time to close the box off for good. Maybe this is a sign of some undiagnosed paranoid schizophrenia. I’d read more to find out, but I can’t see to comfortably read anymore, and me reading that might turn into a hypochondriac reading medical journals.
Mentally I picture certain audiences when writing specific posts, like I am talking to specific people about specific things rather than an general audience that includes people I haven’t had much chance to talk to in too long, or complete strangers.
I am pretty candid in talking about my past doctors. I have not been afraid to name names because as long as I stick to the truth I cannot be sued for libel. But when it comes to current doctors, whether for the eye or my GP, I am treating them as I treat friends in the blog: they are rendered anonymous, male whether they are truly male, female or undetermined. That’s the respectful and polite thing. It also makes sure that I don’t piss off someone who is in control of a situation where I am anesthetized and could be hypnotized into wetting myself any time I hear the word "snowflake."
I talk about my difficulties in current things now because life has been hell since Thanksgiving and every compartment is on fire, it seems. Blindness has robbed me of a lot of self control and no less than five of the compartment fires all touch on other people’s control freak issues or my own self control/self sufficiency issues.
I expected the fourth setback in August, but I suffered no sudden appearance of a floater. That would be a good thing, but instead of a sudden onset, I have experienced a steady gradual fade out since September. The light haze is worse. The shadows grow weekly, it seems. Everything appears darker, literally and figuratively. Anyone I look at seems backlit and can’t be identified easily. I’m quicker to ask who I am talking to, and that has taken some people aback. My own physical vulnerabilities are the one area that people are not used to me being so blunt about.
The floater setbacks skipped August but compensated with something that was not an event I could cope with, but a gradual erosion that has kept this blind fool on uncertain footing.
The latest setback was Wednesday, 14 December 2011. I’m coping, best I can, but I need to give fair warning to those who care, those who control, and both: don’t try tugging on my leash now, because you will be in for one hell of a ride when this scrawny mutt drags your ass across the yard.
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