It’s been nearly three and a half years since the vitreous hemorrhage that started the permanent decline in vision and other diabetic related maladies. I’ve dealt with it OK, admirably, according to some people. I find irony that some of my personal strengths that have gotten me through these days and years are the same elements that did (and still do) grate on other people.
I’m not a warm and fuzzy guy. There’s a cold center beneath a warm midrange beneath a somewhat icy shell. Not everyone sees that. Cordial introductions can make people overestimate my social demeanor. Introductions made with a cool distance can lend opposite perceptions. Neither extreme is either wholly true nor untrue.
I’m cold and analytical. I judge no one but appraise everyone. Depending on where and how I know the other person, my appraisals often are twofold, personal and professional. Nobody’s all good or all bad, no one’s better than me and I’m not better than anyone else. I don’t force my way into others’ conversations with a driving need to express my opinion, yet have no fear of calling a spade a spade, or a diamond a diamond. I can come across as a wise ass, a know it all, a cold hard ass, a sympathetic shoulder, a passionate debater or a non-caring stone. They’re all legitimate parts of me, and different people tend to bring out different aspects under different circumstances. Under all circumstances, I stay true to myself. I don’t pander or jump through hoops for anyone, but compromise easily to find common ground with compromising people.
It’s those who don’t compromise from their own ways and desires who have had the greatest problems with me. Making friends by burying all my thoughts and needs for others never struck me as worth it. Those people can be very loyal, but only for as long as they are getting their own way. I’ve recognized since early adulthood that no one can be liked by everybody, and too often, the harder someone tries, the less they succeed.
That subtle and easily overlooked willingness to compromise and let others live as they would on their side of any dividing lines has also served me well, even when also being some of the greatest hardship to my adjustment. I have to learn to compromise on my own turf more, learn to accept help and adjust to things I can no longer do or control for myself.
That process of adjustment is still underway.
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