Extra Effort

One of the neighbors I spoke of in the last post is also the one who came closest to actually offending me about my disability. He did this with a simple statement, "You’re not really blind" in reaction to some things I had generated on the computer.
I specifically chose not to be offended. Instead I took it as a compliment on the quality of work I had produced. I pretty much also figure he feels some shame for not being able to do something relatively basic as well as a blind guy can do it.
I have no history of feigning illness to get out of work or escape responsibilities. My attendance record on jobs and other commitments is well above average. If I had a history of slacking, maybe his ignorant comment would be warranted.
Instead, I have overcompensated for my new and increasing disability. Whenever possible, I walk without direct assistance. I do not use a cane for a few reasons. First, I think it is labeling myself in a way that will corrode my self concept. It labels me as blind to others, and in this economy of robberies and other desperate crimes, the cane amounts to a target sign. I would hate to embarrass such ne’er-do-wells by having them get a public beat down by a scrawny blind guy. And my original joke-line excuse remains: if I expend effort to stay out of others’ way and then they get in my way anyway, I will get frustrated enough to beat them with the cane.
I do make genuine effort to let anyone else get around me first. Shopping takes much longer because of this. I shouldn’t have to carry a cane to make other people more aware of or more comfortable with my disability.
Fat people seem to be most offended by this. I assume they are most used to being seen under any circumstances. I see mostly by motion and contrast. If fat folks’ stretchy clothes are colors that blend into the background of the environment and they’re moving slowly as fat people typically do, it’s easy to miss them.
I have spent the last two years pretending to be more capable than I am, trying to remain a whole person. It takes a lot of effort and determination, sometimes more than it seems worth. My roommate has pointed out that I am becoming less able to pretend. In group situations when those around me change or someone walking by says hello, I am being more open about not usually knowing to whom I am talking to.
I figure if someone doesn’t understand that, he’s probably not worth talking to anyway.