Here I Go Again

A friend questioned why my doctor planned the reattachment surgery so long after the last floater release that had me running to the doctor’s office.
I was (am) nervous about this surgery to begin with. It is not without risk. I could go blind, totally if it does not go well. Really not going well could be fatal or necessitate removal of the eye, and I assure you I am funny looking enough without having a gaping crater of an eye socket.
(I should explain at this point that while you are reading this after the January 19 surgery, it is being written on 21 December.)
Part of the delay was that I lied to this friend, among other people, when and if the surgery was. Yes, heroic stoicism of not wanting people to worry factored into this. But just as important is my currently (December) frame of mind. The surgery is necessary and is my last hope of staving what has been a downward spiral of increasing speed. It is the final all-or nothing gambit of my life. I have self sufficiency and self control issues that cannot survive the prospect of being totally and helplessly blind. I can only apologize for the lies and anything other misdeeds from now until then. I run that cost-benefit analysis on every misdeed, will this particular thing or action be worth the spanking I’ll be due if caught?
For me this one is. The deception is/was/will be worth the self control of my own decision and protecting those I care about who care for me. That’s the exact type of thing I always did before going blind. Don’t need to share the burden. I’m tough. I can handle it.
And I do not particularly want to be sharing this burden. Maybe that will have changed in the week leading up to the surgery, but right now, this is how I feel.