Brains, Heart, Balls, and...

I enter a room and I can’t quite tell who is in it.
When I arrive at bowling, I pre-check what my lane assignment is; I can’t trust my vision otherwise to know that I am plunking my butt down next to my teammates instead of people with the same general silhouette.
If my roommate leaves the room without a sound, I end up talking to myself during the next commercial because I don’t know he’s no longer there.
I can no longer read. Even when I can align proper magnification and illumination, there’s a blank spot in my central vision that disenables me from putting all the letters together into a coherent word. I write this blog on type size even larger than the blog’s visually-handicapped- friendly presentation. I still need the magnifying mouse and I get stymied by things like an extra "r" in a "worrd" or the typo of an "m" for an "n" because I can’t make out which is there.
Everything takes longer. I’ve been paring my life down just to the things that are worth it.
I don’t think things should ave gotten this bad. I don’t think the retinapathy would have happened if not for the PRP treatment; there are no alternate worlds to explore the un-taken roads in time to know for sure. The Arrigg-ant doctors at Joslin strung me along for more than a year when they had no intention of doing surgery that could make me dark-blind or bring permanent pain to the eye at equal risks to the prevention of further loss or improvement. I’ve been known to take spectacular risks at times, always with a thought out risk-benefit analysis. I’ve had burning failures and amazing successes. I have a combination of brains, heart, balls and an ass that can take a kicking and still not give a shit. After learning the hard way via risks and side effects of PRP procedures and cataract surgery that the doctors neglected to mention, I learned to look up the risks for myself. I’ve been ready, willing and eager for the risky treatments since the first setback.
I’ve lived by Dennis DeYoung’s words since I was 17: "I’ll take the heat for all the chances I’m gonna take, mistakes that I make. Wait and see, you’re gonna hear from me."
I’m willing to take the chances that most doctors are not. Is that understandable? It’s their medical malpractice premiums versus my quality of life, my life itself.
This is harder than it has to be.
Something needs to be done.
Soon.