Rolling with the Changes

Part of the difficulty in dealing with the whole going blind thing is that the status quo keeps changing on me. Each of four setbacks changed things, as did the cataract surgery, the PRP sessions, bouts of improvement, and the double procedure of vitreous exchange and retina reattachment. There should be another change with a procedure slated for sometime down the line, when they drain the silicon oil from my eye and replace it with something that should allow for natural vitreous reformation.
The prescription of the prednisone and the development of the Charcot foot both also seriously undermine what I can do, and both those situations will also change.
The positive aspect is that the changes that can be expected should all be improvements. There’s a lot of hope I cling to there.
I do seem to get a lot of sincere compliments about how well I cope with all this. I know that the coping had been good, but I am, too aware of my private times of despair and hopelessness to grade my efforts as highly as others do.
I’ve clawed my way through the two and a half years since the hemorrhage with tools that all too often caused conflict in my life: obstinacy; a warped and off color sense of humor; cocky certainty; foolhardy courage; an unwillingness to readily surrender to my gut even when "everyone" would tell ne I was wrong.
My didactic life has been full of adversity, always one more thing to cope with and adapt to, literally since birth. None of it killed me, so all of it made me stronger.
I’ve learned to cover some of that strength these days. My unyielding demeanor had always been something people–particularly the parade of control freaks through my life–didn’t like about me, That solid strength in a slight frame and relative youth and among people who destroy anyone who fails to acquiesce to their presumed mastery carried me through.
It continues to carry me, and it often continues to surprise. These days I am trying to develop a kinder, gentler persona that meshes better with what people "expect" from a blind guy.
But I’m still not ready for a red and white cane because I will beat people with it.